Love by any other name
by Queen of Leaves
Summary: A response to a Hideaway challenge! An assignment from Snape turns Hermione's thoughts to things they shouldn't. A substance that can cause even the greatest wizards to lose control. Humor! Suspense! And a whole lotta Valentines!
1. Chapter 1

Response to the Hideaway challenge! Enjoy!

Snape hated Valentine's Day.

Not even for the reason everyone else seemed to. He wasn't lonely and didn't plan to sit up late in front of a roaring fire, getting drunk on Firewhiskey and fine scotch.

He did that every night anyway.

No, what Snape hated about Valentine's was the annoying week building up to the holiday. Between excessive amounts of red and pink, nervous students requesting love potions (and lust potions, in some cases) and the titter of excited girls muttering to themselves about boys when they should have been focusing on their potion, that damnable holiday was enough to make any sensible person angry.

Snape was no exception.

Feb 10-Monday

"Did you hear about the dance..."

"...who will ask me?..."

"...broke up...alone...crying her eyes out..."

"SILENCE!"

The annoyingly shrill hum of Snape's Advanced Potions class came to a steady halt.

"Take out your textbooks and turn to page 416."

A chorus of groans echoed through the dungeon.

Snape sneered. "Just because the rest of you are excited about our little school-funded formal does not give me reason to be any less instructive to you. When you have your books open, Potter," he hissed, cold eyes prompting Harry to quicken his motions a bit. "You will be turning in 18 inches of parchment on the various uses of mugwump weed and its close relatives. Be sure to include all uses of the plant. There are 116."

Ron rolled his eyes, dropping his head onto his desk.

"No wonder he's in such a foul mood. The most romantic day of the year is coming up and he's stuck teaching." He stole a furtive glance at Hermione, who was already lost in her work, steadily beginning their Goliath of an assignment.

"Your completed essay is due on the 14th," Snape said, the gavel of authority in his voice drowning out the horrified gasps of the class.

"But Sir," Lavender said, aghast. "That's Valentine's Day!"

A slight rustle of black cloth and Snape was standing over the frightened girl.

"Well, let it be known, Miss Brown, that while you have learned nothing in my class during your seven years of attendance, you certainly have an aptitude for stating the obvious."

"But Sir..." she said, protesting weakly. "How will we finish that and have time to prepare for the dance?"

Snape smiled coldly. This had obviously been his idea all along.

"I suggest you get busy then."

He swooped over to his desk and began grading papers, looking up only long enough to note that Gryffindor had lost 10 points.

"That slimy git!" Harry exclaimed. "How am I supposed to plan a romantic evening with Ginny and finish this bloody essay?"

Ron sighed. "At least you HAVE a romantic evening to plan. I've got nothing."

Harry shrugged. "Cheer up, mate. Why don't you ask Hermione? You've always fancied her, y'know."

Hermione was seemingly oblivious to the conversation going on between the two boys as they returned to their dorms. She was nose-deep in her Advanced Potions book, almost unaware of the people going by.

"I can't ask Hermione," Ron whispered. "I...I don't think she likes me."

"Sure she likes you. Why else would she have put up with you for this long?"

"Thanks," Ron replied, narrowing his eyes at his best friend.

"Hermione, we'll see you to-where's Hermione?"

Harry shrugged as they entered the Gryffindor commons.

"She probably got turned around. Couldn't take her eyes out of her book."

"Yeah..."

Outside the Great Hall, Hermione was frozen in place, earning rude jostles and angry protests as she blocked the hallway.

Mugwamp weed's 63rd use.

_If inhaled, Mugwump weed creates a euphoric effect on the receipient, often causing the loss of inhibitions and a state of delusions. Related: Muggle liquor, Firewhiskey..._

Hermione felt a small smile begin to creep across her face.

Mugwump weed.

Valentine's Day.

Flowers for sale.

It was going to be a very interesting week!

:off: K, that's chapter 1! Please R and R if you enjoyed!


	2. Chapter 2

_So I'm finally resuming this story now that I remembered where I was going with it. This is a parody, btw. Assume that books six and seven did not occur and Voldemort is off crocheting somewhere. Reviews are always appreciated._

_Love by any other name - ch.2 _

_If inhaled, mugwump weed creates a euphoric effect on the recipient, often causing the loss of inhibitions and a state of delusion._

"Professor, would you like to buy some flowers? The money will go to the War Orphans Fund."

Professor Flitwick blinked. "Well, it's a good cause, Miss Granger. I am surprised to see you selling them though. I thought you generally didn't ascribe to Valentine's Day traditions."

Hermione laughed slightly. "Oh, like you said, it's a good cause."

Flitwick nodded and took his cluster of flowers.

Hermione's false smile faded once his back was turned. Of course she didn't believe in Valentine's Day traditions, but if she wanted to see her hastily-thrown-together plan of getting Snape to sniff mugwump weed work, she had to put up a good front. The way she figured, if enough professors purchased flowers for the orphans, Snape would be obligated to buy some as well. She had a special batch reserved that was laced with the plant. It would be an interesting experiment to see how the restrained and reserved potions master reacted to what was essentially the most intoxicating substance in the wizarding world.

That's at least what Hermione had convinced herself to believe. Deep in her subconscious, the idea that maybe the professor would reveal some secrets under duress was festering. Deeper down, she hoped one of those secrets would be his undying attraction to her.

But Hermione had not yet acknowledged this wish, so it festered and festered right next to her secret love of bowling and her growing dislike of Ron.

A nervous titter flew through the halls. Short of a theme song, this was the closest thing Snape had to an advance warning of his arrival.

Hermione straightened up in her seat. She had placed her table directly in front of the main entrance to the Great Hall in the hopes of increasing her chances of catching Snape.

As he billowed past her table, she smiled. He slowed his steps.

"What on earth are you doing?"

"Selling flowers, sir. For the orphans. Would you like to buy some?"

Snape's lip curled. "Not on your life."

Professor McGonagall's voice gave the crestfallen Hermione hope.

"Oh come on Severus. Those poor orphans!" she said, reaching for a bunch of flowers and setting two sickles down on the table.

Sighing, Snape tossed his own sickle on the table.

Hermione smiled widely and went to grab the bunch of flowers she had reserved especially for him.

They weren't there.

McGonagall waved as she walked away, the spiked bunch of flowers clutched in her hand.

Hermione swallowed. "Professor! You don't want those particular flowers," she said, getting up and running after her.

"Nonsense!" she said. "They smell wonderful!"

McGonagall paused and smelled them again.

"They smell WONDERFUL!"

Hermione froze. "I'm so glad you like them." Slowly, she turned in time to see Snape raise an eyebrow, pocket the three sickles and walk into the Great Hall.

* * *

He knew.

"Miss Granger, you have some explaining to do," Albus Dumbledore said, peering down at Hermione. "It took us three hours to get Minerva down from the ceiling. She proved to be most agile and the ceiling of the Great Hall goes on for quite some while. We still have not recovered all of her clothes."

Hermione meekly sank deeper into her chair.

"Severus, you were there when the...incident occurred." Dumbledore paused for decorum's sake. "What do you believe happened?"

Snape cleared his throat. He had obviously not recovered from the experience of Minerva's oversized pink underwear floating down from the ceiling and landing on his face.

"There are several potions that could have caused such a severe and rapid reaction. I am still investigating."

"And Miss Granger? You have no idea what caused her reaction to the flowers?"

Hermione shrugged. "Allergies?"

Severus blinked. "Allergies?"

"Very well," Dumbledore blinked. "Miss Granger, you may continue selling flowers provided that Severus clears them first. We wouldn't want this accident repeating itself."

Snape's black eyebrows raised, but he said nothing.

Anxious to get back to her room before Dumbledore could question her further, she slid out of her chair and bolted for the door. Before she could make it into the hallway, a strong hand gripped her shoulder.

"Miss Granger," Snape said silkily. "I am positive you are not entirely innocent in this whole situation, so let it be known I will be watching you very closely."

He glowered at her as he swept past. Hermione shivered as she felt his soft cloak slide over her arm.

"I will be watching you closely," Hermione imitated, dropping her voice down in pitch.

She smiled. As far as discipline went, having Snape breathing down her neck wouldn't be half bad.


	3. Chapter 3

_I have the sneaking suspicion this story is only going to get sillier._

_Love By Any Other Name Chapter Three_

**February 12, nighttime**

Hermione sighed as she flopped onto her bed. As most fanfiction required, she was Head Girl in her seventh year, which meant she had her own room. Statistically, this greatly increased her chances of getting laid. But it also meant that after a long day, she had her own space to indulge in a little...relaxing.

No, not that kind of relaxing.

"IT'S RAINING MEN!" Hermione yelled into her hairbrush as she danced around in her underwear. "HALLELUJAH IT'S RAINING MEN!"

She jumped onto her bed as her iPod shuffle (see the product placement?) changed the song.

"I NEED A HERO!"

She jumped up and down.

"He's gotta be strong and he's gotta be fast and he's gotta be fresh from the fight!"

"Stop jumping on me, you silly girl!"

Hermione stopped singing and leaped off the bed.

"I didn't know you felt that way," she told the rumpled sheets.

"Not me, Miss Granger," the bed replied snarkily.

"Then who? The pillow?" Hermione shot back, putting her fists on her hips.

"No. Me," Snape said as he artfully slid out from under Hermione's bed.

"Oh," Hermione said. "When you said you'd be watching me closely, I didn't think you meant _that_ closely."

Snape cleared his throat. "Well, I wasn't expecting you to dance around in your underwear either, but the past is past."

"What are you doing in my room late at night, Professor?" asked the scantily-clad barely-legal girl.

"I thought I'd stretch the limits of believability by pretending I'm here for a completely legitimate reason," Snape said as he definitely did not check out the hot piece of ass...I mean, Hermione.

"I was investigating your mysterious behavior."

"Under my bed?"

"Yes, well," Snape began.

"We have invisibility cloaks! And spells!" Hermione exclaimed. "Why would you choose to hide under my bed?"

"I am conducting a completely unbiased investigation of who to blame for the emotional scarring that resulted from the meeting of my face and Minerva's underwear."

Severus stared stonily at her.

Hermione stared back.

"You think it's my fault, don't you."

"Entirely."

"Why me? Why not the Hufflepuffs that made the flowers in the first place?"

Snape shrugged elegantly. "Because that would defeat the ulterior motive that the author has."

Hermione looked around quizzically. "What author?"

Snape's eyes narrowed. "Can you not feel her presence?"

"What motive?"

"I don't know, but I hope she figures it out soon."

Hermione shifted. "If you don't mind, professor, I'm getting a little cold."

"I can see that," Snape whispered to himself.

"What was that?" Hermione asked, slipping a blanket over her shoulders and starting a fire in the hearth with a wave of her wand.

"Um...bee fat?"

It was Hermione's turn to stare stonily at him.

"I think you better go, professor."

"Yes, I think I better had." (A/n: anyone get the reference?)

With a crack, Severus disappeared from Hermione's room.

Shrugging, Hermione settled down for a long night of homework.

Back in the darkest point in dungeons, Snape sat on his bed, his head in his hands.

"What the hell was I thinking?"

_As always, reviews are throughly enjoyed. I do my best to respond when I can. Thank you so much for reading!_


	4. Chapter 4

_I was right. It's getting sillier._

_Love By Any Other Name - Chapter Four_

Hermione hummed to herself as she stepped down the hallway to Transfiguration class. Having finished her homework early last night, she had resumed dancing on the bed once she made sure Snape wasn't under it. All in all, a productive night.

And now, only one class remained in the day. After that, she would throw away the mugwump weed and get on with her life.

She sighed, slowing her steps. She hated abandoning her plan to see into Snape's subconscious, but at the rate he was following her, he would catch on and she would be punished.

Hermione snickered to herself. If Snape was the one doing the punishing...

Her mind drifted.

"_I knew all about your little plan, Miss Granger," Snape snarled, his thins fingers closed around her wrist. _

"_Oh no!" Hermione breathed, heaving her bosom as the romance novels had taught her. "Where are you taking me?"_

"_The Forbidden Forest," Snape said. Under the moonlight, his silky hair flew behind him as he walked. With a flick of his head, he moved a strand across his smooth pale skin. His parted lips were moistened by a dart of his tongue._

"_Oh Professor. Let me go! Please let me go!"_

_Swirling, he pushed her against the nearest tree. "Never!" he cried, pressing his lips against hers._

_Having never been properly kissed, Hermione had to substitute. _

Pop

"Miss Granger?"

Hermione opened her eyes and was greeted by Professor McGonagall's glowering visage.

"Kindly stop sucking on your arm and join the rest of the class."

"Yes ma'am," she said, blushing and scurrying into the classroom.

* * *

As anxious as she was to get rid of the mugwump weed, Hermione couldn't help sneaking into the dungeons to see if she had one last chance to put her plan in motion.

Ignoring the quizzical stares that accompanied a Gryffindor being deep in Slytherin territory, she made her way to Snape's door.

She knocked.

There was no answer.

"Looking for someone?" came a voice. She turned to see Draco Malfoy leaning against the wall.

"I had a question for Professor Snape," Hermione said.

"Well, he's not here, is he?" Draco said, reaching for his wand. Hermione pinched a bit of the mugwump weed and ground it into a powder.

"Whatcha got there, Mudblood?"

"A present for you," she said sweetly, tossing the powder into his face.

Draco inhaled deeply and sneezed.

"What was that?" he asked, sniffing the air.

Hermione paused, waiting to see if the mugwump weed had kicked in.

"That is wonderful stuff!" Malfoy crowed, reaching over and taking the bag from Hermione.

"I must share this wonderful stuff with the world!" he exclaimed as he skipped down the hall, tossing the powder into the air.

"Oh dear God," Hermione whispered.

* * *

A spell later and Hermione was able to safely navigate the halls without being exposed to the mugwump weed that was now clouding the air. Around her, students were running through the halls. Some were making out, some had engaged in rather violent duels and still others were laying on their backs staring at their hands.

"MISS GRANGER!"

Hermione froze.

Snape was running up the hallway, knocking students out of his way.

"Why is it you seem to be the only one unaffected by this mugwump weed?"

Hermione chuckled nervously. "Is it mugwump weed?"

Snape's eyes narrowed. "Of course it is."

"'Mione!" She turned to see Ron running toward her, arms outstretched.

"Hello Ron," she said awkwardly.

"I love you!" he said, giving her abnormally large puppy eyes. He turned a glare on Professor Snape. "What's he doing here?"

Snape sighed and grabbed Hermione's arm. "Since you are unaffected, I will require your assistance in brewing an antidote."

Ron gasped. "You're trying to seduce her! I've seen the way you look at her." He jumped onto Snape's back, wrapping his arms around Snape's neck. "Run, Hermione!"

Hermione blinked and with a wave of her wand, Ron went flying backward into a group of singing students.

"Thank you," Snape said gruffly, straightening his robes.

"No problem! That felt great!" she said.

They had almost made it to the Potions classroom when they heard a rumbling sound at either end of the hallway.

"What in the blazes is this?" Snape said, drawing his wand.

A group of non-Slytherin students came running around one corner. "There he is! Snape! We hate you! Defend yourself!"

Snape groaned and turned to investigate the other group.

What he saw struck fear into his heart.

A bunch of adolescent girls were running toward him.

"We love you, Sevvy! You're misunderstood!"

"Fangirls," Hermione whispered. Snape grabbed her by the wrist.

"This way!"

She heard a gasp from both groups.

"He's kidnaped a Gryffindor!"

"That bitch is seducing him!"

A few moments later, they were inside the Potions classroom, reinforcing the door with as many spells as they could think of.

When they were finished, Snape turned to face her.

"I know, I have a lot of explaining to do," Hermione said, putting her hands up in defense.

She froze when she saw his face. Were his eyes...watery?

"Miss Granger...Hermione...you have no idea how long I've wanted to speak privately with you." He took her hands between his pressed them to his lips.

"Oh God. You're affected too?"

Snape was too busy purring and rubbing his face on her hands to answer.


	5. Chapter 5

"P...professor?" Hermione stuttered.

Snape's hands were surprisingly warm over hers. "Yes, dear girl?"

His eyes shimmered behind a wall of tears.

"Oh my God. You're crying?" Hermione tried to pull her hands away.

Snape sniffled a bit. "It does my damaged heart such good to gaze upon your lovely face, my dear. The truth is, as much as I hate to admit it and risk my vulnerable heart to shame, I love you."

This was too much for her. Hermione could reasonably entertain the notion that there might be some attraction there, seeing as he was perfectly willing to hide under her furniture to spy on her while she danced half-naked on her bed. But there was no way that he was actually in love with her.

She told him so.

He seemed to swoon a bit.

"I can't believe you would doubt this aching love I carry for you. Hermione," he said, retaking her hands and kissing them tenderly. "Be my Bella."

Hermione yanked her hands free and slapped him. "Are you kidding me? I'd have no character! I would just be this brainless, spineless washcloth that yearns for your approval at the cost of her own character development."

Snape blinked. "It's the perfect male fantasy."

Hermione scowled. "I will not be your Bella."

"Be my Stella?"

"No."

"Scarlett?"

Damn him! Playing on her weakness for sexy, yet vulnerable heroines and her love of the United States' Civil War!

The doors barring his classroom shook as the fangirls and Snape-haters threw every spell they could think of at the wards Hermione and Snape had placed.

"Look, we can discuss this later. Right now, we need to come up with a cure for the Mugwump weed!"

Snape crossed his arms. "I thought you didn't know it was Mugwump weed."

Hermione tensed. "You told me. Right after you went on about my eyes," she said, blinking the now-glittering orbs in his direction.

Snape tilted his head to the side and sighed happily. "You do have the most lovely eyes."

"That doesn't matter now!" Hermione took his face between her hands. "We need to cure the students before something terrible happens. Like something explodes. Or they summon a dragon."

The voices on the other side of the door grew quiet.

"Hey, let's summon a dragon," one said.

The idea, as far as they could tell through the warded doors, was accepted as a good method of entering the potions classroom. They heard a roar as the dragon appeared and approached the door.

"Shit," Hermione muttered. "Professor, I really need your help here. Help me disperse the Mugwump weed."

"I shall not. I haven't felt this free in ages."

"Please sir! Use your vast wisdom to help me make a cure!"

"I will not. As vast as my wisdom is, it is lost in my new-found ability to drown in your lovely eyes."

Hermione stamped her foot impatiently as the door shook. The dragon was apparently backing up and hitting its head against the door, trying to crack the wards they had placed.

"Well that doesn't make sense," Hermione said. "Why don't they just have it breathe fire?"

The voices outside the door stopped again.

"Hey, have it breathe fire," one said.

Snape grabbed her arm and pulled her away from the door. "Stop helping them!"

"Help me help you!"

"That doesn't even make sense!"

Hermione rubbed the bridge of her nose. "What will it take for you to help me get rid of the Mugwump weed?"

Snape shuffled awkwardly and muttered something under his breath.

"I'm sorry, I didn't catch that," Hermione said, leaning forward.

He mumbled again.

"WHAT?" she yelled, as the dragon on the other side of the door let loose a particularly violent jet of flames.

"GO ON A DATE WITH ME!" Snape bellowed back.

The dragon, of course, picked that moment to stop spewing flames, meaning that everyone on the other side of the door heard Snape's proposal.

"That's so sweet!"

"Sweet? That's sick! Dragon! More fire!"

The dragon obliged.

Panicked, Hermione shook Snape's hand. "Fine! I'll go on a date with you! Now will you help me?"

"Not unless you vow it," he said, drawing his wand and taking her hand in his.

"You want me to make an Unbreakable Vow?" Hermione snapped. "Don't we need a witness for this?"

Snape used the tip of his wand to brush his hair out of his eyes. "It's not really an Unbreakable Vow. It's more of a "You Shouldn't Break This" vow. Less legally binding, but the ethical implications are there."

Hermione looked back and forth between him and the door.

"Your other option," he continued smoothly, "is to find a place to hide once that dragon comes through the door. I will, of course, take the cupboard. I'm very good at hiding in furniture."

"I know! Just do it already."

Snape waved his wand and a couple of purple sparks shot out the end.

"That's it?"

Snape shrugged and waved the wards away from the door and opening the now-smoking portal.

"Stupidus eradicatius!" he said, brandishing his wand at the group of students and one dragon clustered around his door. The students blinked, as if waking up from a dream, and promptly dispersed. The dragon also blinked, but did not move.

"Go away," Snape said severely.

The dragon huffed a bit of smoke in his direction, but remained still.

"What do you want?"

The dragon cleared its throat nervously. "Look, I was out selling Girl Scout cookies and then I poofed here. I don't know where here is and my scout master is going to be pissed if I don't sell at least 300 boxes by tomorrow."

Snape raised an eyebrow at the order form that was slyly peeking around the dragon's side.

"I don't like sweets."

The dragon sighed. "Look, it's for a good cause." It stretched its neck to peer at Hermione, who had yet to blink since the door opened.

"Put me down for Thin Mints, please," she said weakly.

The dragon huffed again, pleased. "One box of Thin Mints. Got it. Good day to you both."

With surprising grace, it turned and headed down the corridor.

Snape stood back from the doorframe and gestured for Hermione to leave.

"But sir, I haven't cured you yet," she said, drawing her wand. She couldn't miss the small smile on his face.

"Miss Granger," he said loftily. "I was never affected."


End file.
